I'm not sure what sparked my thoughts on the topic today but i cant stop thinking about how i say mean things. I wouldn't go as far as saying that i am a mean person but a lot of times throughout the day i have very rude things about other people pop into my head. If the thoughts just stayed there i would have no complaints, but they don't. They always seem to make it into someones ear, usually as a whisper to a third pary individual that may or may not have been thinking the same thing but just wasnt mean enough to say it outloud. I fear that most of the recipients, however, probably don't know me well enough to understand that I'm not a mean person. This isn't their fault, of course. I mean, they're just making a perfectly justified assumption that i am kind of a rude person. it makes me feel bad.
This is a particularly tender issue because i think that i may have been somewhat of a jerk in my younger years. i was not timid about sharing my opinion and that often entailed me telling someone else that they were...(insert something derogatory). i played off of people's weaknesses and i almost took a certain level of pride in that. Now, i didn't just dish it out all nonchalantly or anything. It was reserved for those who were especially deserving (the kids that picked on kids, the kids that picked on teacher, Trent Meeds, etc). In a way i felt like i was defending more than offending. Once in the moment and all sorts of insulting things were flying out of my mouth, I would savor the moment, trying hard to remember the things said so that i could possibly brag about it later. I didn't feel mean, i felt justified.
Anyway, just writing that makes me sound like the biggest a-hole ever. I'm not sure when it happened (yes i am. it was on my mission) but I guess I realized that being rude, no matter who it is towards, is never really that cool. i am the one that ends up feeling like shiz, not mention the way i look to others (not in a superficial way but in a "i hate looking like an ass" way).
So, I'm setting a goal: Leave the mean thoughts in the brain. lets be serious, saying that my goal is to just stop thinking mean thoughts is impossible. that will come with time, maybe. For now, I'm just going to try and not say them to anyone. i suppose I'll just have to start using some DISCRETION!!! (inside family joke...even though i actually don't think it's funny, for obvious reasons)
8 months ago